Full-Moon Steve Protocol

The following procedures should be observed whenever a full moon is expected over the Garden.

They are intended for the safety of Steve, the other residents, and any furniture located within approximately twenty feet of Steve.

FULL-MOON STEVE PROTOCOL

1. Steve remains Steve.

The change in size does not constitute a change in identity.

Continue referring to him as Steve.

Approved alternatives do not include:

“Tiny Steve.”

“Little Steve.”

“Baby Steve.”

“Pocket Steve.”

or, under any circumstances,

“Look at the little guy.”

2. Do not call Steve cute.

This includes saying that he is:

adorable,

precious,

tiny,

sweet,

or “actually kind of charming like this.”

Previous incidents demonstrate that attempting to explain that cute was intended as a compliment does not improve the situation.

3. Do not pick Steve up.

Steve does not require assistance reaching elevated surfaces.

If Steve appears to require assistance reaching an elevated surface, the elevated surface is no longer necessary.

4. Sammy is also not permitted to pick Steve up.

This rule exists separately from Rule 3.

There is a reason.

Do not ask Sammy for his version of the reason.

5. Remove fragile objects from floor level before moonrise.

Particular attention should be given to:

cups
plates
flowerpots
laboratory equipment
decorative objects
anything Dr. Banty describes as “probably stable”

Furniture cannot always be removed.

Furniture accepts this risk.

6. Steve’s doghouse does not change size.

Do not attempt to resize, modify, replace, enlarge, reduce, improve, or otherwise “help” with the doghouse during the transformation.

Steve is aware of the situation.

Mentioning the difference in available interior space is unnecessary.

7. Barking at the moon is normal.

Growling at the moon is normal.

Threatening the moon is normal.

Demanding that the moon “come down here and say that” has also been observed.

Do not intervene.

8. If Steve begins chasing Sammy, allow the situation several moments to resolve naturally.

Sammy probably knows why.

Steve definitely knows why.

Everyone else is better off not knowing why.

9. Do not discuss Steve’s previous full-moon behavior while Steve is present.

Particularly avoid mentioning:

the flowerpot
the missing table leg
the incident involving Nibbles’ host bell
anything Sammy claims was “technically reconnaissance”

Officially, none of these events require further discussion.

Steve agrees.

10. If Steve suddenly becomes quiet, locate Sammy immediately.

Do not wait.

Do not assume the situation has improved.

Steve being loud is predictable.

Steve being quiet means he has a plan.

Sammy may already be involved.

AFTER MOONSET

Once Steve has returned to his normal wolf form:

Do not congratulate him.

Do not ask whether he remembers what happened.

Do not present an itemized list of damages.

Allow him several minutes to regain his dignity.

If Steve asks whether anyone saw anything, the recommended response is:

“Saw what?”

FINAL REMINDER

The curse is temporary.

Steve’s memory is not.

Explore the Garden

Please observe all posted Garden safety procedures.

Especially the strangely specific ones.